The worst film you’ve never heard of

Last night, I walked out of a film for the first time in my long, 26 years of cinema attendance.I know I say this a lot, but I really do think Love’s Kitchen is the worst film I’ve ever seen in my life. Ever. Without a doubt.If you haven’t heard of Love’s Kitchen, LUCKY YOU. It is truly unbelievable in its terribleness. Of course I can only judge it on the first 25 minutes, after which point even sheer curiosity wasn’t enough to keep me subjecting my eyes to this torture any longer.

The film is about, as far as I could tell, a chef whose wife dies and he loses the will to cook. He spends his days microwaving chicken breasts, hanging out with Jez from Corenation Street and sometimes telling his daughter not to swear. Then Gordon Ramsay turns up. Yes, that Gordon Ramsay. For some reason, he takes an interest in this chef’s career and gives him a pep talk, and suddenly his life is turned around.

OK can I start telling you how shit it is now? Thanks. So Gordon’s cameo was the worst cameo that ever existed. To be fair to him, his performance was fine. Lots of ‘fucks’ and ‘jesuses; and crazy hand movements, you know the sort. The only problem was, they fimed his scenes seperately and edited them in, so it looked like he was standing in the kitchen with sad chef and having a conversation, when it was painfully, embarrassingly obvious that the two men were filmed at different times, probably on different days, possible in different locations. Ramsay’s shots were likely filmed in front of a green screen and looked like they belonged in a different movie. In the words of Ramsay himself, what a shame.

The rest of it just went downhill from there. The script was aaaawful – ‘I hope you cook better than you drive’; the acting was diabolical ‘my.. daddy.. used to.. be.. a chef.’; and the whole thing was edited terribly, with scenes lingering on longer than necessary once everybody had finished saying their lines. I don’t really know what else to say about this film, it was just so, so, so awfully made that I couldn’t finish watching it. I feel quite bad – I made a lot of annoyed noises throughout, and possibly said ‘this is terrible’ a little more loudly than I intended – and then discovered afterwards that the director had been in there watching the film. Oops. Well to be honest, he needs to know. You’re a bad director, your film is bad, sort it out.

I felt less guilty when, 30 seconds after we left, another couple followed us out having much the same discussion we were having.

So in short, don’t see Love’s Kitchen even just to laugh at it. It’ll just make you angry when you realise you’ve missed The Apprentice to watch a movie evidently made by a hamster on its first day of film school.