Ahaha ha ha.
HA.
The worst film you’ve never heard of
Last night, I walked out of a film for the first time in my long, 26 years of cinema attendance.
I know I say this a lot, but I really do think Love’s Kitchen is the worst film I’ve ever seen in my life. Ever. Without a doubt.
If you haven’t heard of Love’s Kitchen, LUCKY YOU. It is truly unbelievable in its terribleness. Of course I can only judge it on the first 25 minutes, after which point even sheer curiosity wasn’t enough to keep me subjecting my eyes to this torture any longer.
The film is about, as far as I could tell, a chef whose wife dies and he loses the will to cook. He spends his days microwaving chicken breasts, hanging out with Jez from Corenation Street and sometimes telling his daughter not to swear. Then Gordon Ramsay turns up. Yes, that Gordon Ramsay. For some reason, he takes an interest in this chef’s career and gives him a pep talk, and suddenly his life is turned around.
OK can I start telling you how shit it is now? Thanks. So Gordon’s cameo was the worst cameo that ever existed. To be fair to him, his performance was fine. Lots of ‘fucks’ and ‘jesuses; and crazy hand movements, you know the sort. The only problem was, they fimed his scenes seperately and edited them in, so it looked like he was standing in the kitchen with sad chef and having a conversation, when it was painfully, embarrassingly obvious that the two men were filmed at different times, probably on different days, possible in different locations. Ramsay’s shots were likely filmed in front of a green screen and looked like they belonged in a different movie. In the words of Ramsay himself, what a shame.
The rest of it just went downhill from there. The script was aaaawful – ‘I hope you cook better than you drive’; the acting was diabolical ‘my.. daddy.. used to.. be.. a chef.’; and the whole thing was edited terribly, with scenes lingering on longer than necessary once everybody had finished saying their lines. I don’t really know what else to say about this film, it was just so, so, so awfully made that I couldn’t finish watching it. I feel quite bad – I made a lot of annoyed noises throughout, and possibly said ‘this is terrible’ a little more loudly than I intended – and then discovered afterwards that the director had been in there watching the film. Oops. Well to be honest, he needs to know. You’re a bad director, your film is bad, sort it out.
I felt less guilty when, 30 seconds after we left, another couple followed us out having much the same discussion we were having.
So in short, don’t see Love’s Kitchen even just to laugh at it. It’ll just make you angry when you realise you’ve missed The Apprentice to watch a movie evidently made by a hamster on its first day of film school.
Do you have tutti frutti?
I had been thinking of starting a new blog, solely devoted to Laurel and Hardy. But Steve talked me out of it. I can’t imagine why, just because most Laurel and Hardy fans are over fifty and probably don’t have computers, let alone wile away their evenings blog-hopping. So I’m going to make do with sporadic Stan and Ollie posts, aimed at perhaps my dad and my future children, who will be made to watch forties black and while films until their eyes bleed.
Anyway, my real point today is that it’s Stan Laurel’s birthday! HAPPY BIRTHDAY STAN! We (I) miss you.
Some Laurel and Hardy facts:
- Hal Roach’s The Music Box, starring Laurel and Hardy, was the first film to win a ‘best short film’ Oscar.
- Stan was Charlie Chaplin’s understudy
- He divorced four times
- In Italy, Stan and Ollie are known as Stallio and Ollo.
- In Germany, they are known as “Dick und Doof” – Fatty and Stupid.
Hey pigeon!
Was there ever a better film than Lady and The Tramp? No, that was a rhetorical question. There never was a better fim than Lady and The Tramp, I’ve done a poll – of which I was the only respondent – and it was unanimous. Anne and I recently went to watch it at the BFI, where they are showing each and every glorious Disney classic in order of orginal release. Whose bright idea was that, I ask you? Because I’d like to meet him and give him a a Mars bar for showing such initiative.
Unlike at the screening of Dumbo I attended a couple of months back, there were no nearby infants screaming a scene by scene description of events (‘he’s an elephant!’ ‘the train is going choo choo!’ ‘uh oh the mouse is pissed out of his tree’ etc) so I enjoyed the film immensely as I always do. Although, despite our agreement, Anne did not arrive wearing a Lady and The Tramp t shirt. I did, and I enjoyed the film all the more for it.
I cried a few times, as always, but was flabbergasted to hear people LAUGHING at the sad bits! When Lady is thrown into the dog pound and the poor, homeless, desperate mutts around her howl a rendition of ‘There’s no place like home,’ complete with crying puppies, people obviously found it charming and giggled. It’s frickin’ heartbreaking, people! Sort it out.
My favourite thing about Lady and the Tramp is that Tramp calls Lady ‘pigeon’ or ‘pidge’ as a term of endearment. I LOVE THAT. If you meet me in the street, please refer to me as pigeon, I’ll be so happy.
Anyway, the film was splendid and I wish I could spend every weekend watching Disney at the BFI but alas I am quite the pauper these days.
I would like to share with you two Facebook messages that Anne sent me that evening.
Did you read that L&TT paper thing we picked up? Did you read the contemporary review? I know it’s 55 years after the event but I’m so annoyed! What a DICK! “Not very well drawn”, “the only good song is the cat one”, “goo”. GOO. WTF? He’s obviously a dick anyway cos he didn’t even get details right, he says Lady meets Tramp when he saves her. What a spanner.
A sheet was given out at the BFI with details of the film and some quotes from a film critic. He was indeed a spanner.
So I just went on IMDB, and in the forum there they are discussing Lady and Tramp’s sex life.
Quote: “Point is, and to be in the most adult manner, very frank with you, Lady and Tramp did have doggy sex sometime between that fadeout. You can’t deny it but I will say, after realising that, some of the films innocence did sort of dissapate…” Brilliant, I love the internet. X
Oh so do I.
Everybody’s pickin’ up on that feline beat
Today’s post is especially for Nicola, who couldn’t get these pictures to open when I emailed them to her.
And yes I know I’m about five days behind in the music challenge. I’m about to go to Manchester for the weekend, so I’ll be reeeeally behind when I get back.
I am a cat and I can sleep anywhere I want..
(NB: I didn’t take these pictures)
I see the one and she makes my heart go boom
Aww snap, I totally forgot to blog yesterday. I’m very sorry to those of you who couldn’t sleep last night because you didn’t know what song I like to dance to. To make it up to you, we’ll tackle two categories today.
Day 09 – A song that you can dance to
This is another stupid one. There are miiiiiiiillions of songs I can dance to! Does this mean a song to which I know the specific accompanying dance, i.e. Stop by Spice Girls? Well I’ve never been one for learning routines in front of the mirror, but there are a few songs that do get me busting out some pre-prepared moves. My friend Nicola and I made up a dance to Peter Andre’s Flava during the first year of university. I couldn’t tell you why, but it was brilliant, believe me. There was some ice-creaming licking (for ‘flavour of the year’) and the simulating of putting on a raincoat (for ‘the mack’s back’). I can’t imagine we ever had a chance to try out these moves in a social setting, because Flava was never, ever played in nightclubs. I think we reserved it for my bedroom when we were very, very bored.
Day 10 – A song that makes you fall asleep
Do people have songs that make them fall asleep? Like you’re on your way to the shops listening to your iPod and suddenly BAM, you’re out for the count. A very odd idea. I can’t think of a song that makes me fall asleep but I do have a playlist of ‘night time’ songs that I like to listen to as I’m nodding off. One song that features is Your Hand in Mine by Explosions in the Sky. Beautiful.
I PROMISE not to slack again. Technically I’ve already failed the challenge so I could just give up now, but I SHAN’T! I’ll be back tomorrow, mark my words.
